


Just Swipe Right

by metroklyn



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Online Dating, Past Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-12 11:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13546044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metroklyn/pseuds/metroklyn
Summary: After bad break-ups and endless streams of no name bed-warmers, friends get frustrated and take matters into their own hands and phones. A picture, a tagline and its online dating to hopefully solve both their friends woes and their own caused by them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first sp fic, but I've been really into it again thanks to my wife. So really, I'm writing this because of her, boredom and catching sick really late at night.

Stan was tired of Kyle’s moping, and that was really saying something with how bad he could get back when they were younger. He could, he could be the worst when it came to moping but at their age now though, it was a little old. Sitting on the couch after work and watching Kyle come home, barely make eye contact with him before vanishing off to his room, the whole thing was getting old now.

Really, really old.

Not like them, they weren’t old. Maybe to their younger selves from a long time ago, a better time, they were old, but dammit, late twenties wasn’t old. Definitely not.

Watching Kyle come home again, with him sitting on the couch as per their weird song and dance of a routine and dart past him, he decided he couldn’t take it. Kyle’s jacket and hat were already placed on their respective hooks beside the front door and their owner off and shutting himself away before Stan set down his can of beer on their worn coffee table. This would be the last day that he put up with Kyle avoiding him while still saying they were friends after everything whenever he could manage to confront him. One week, maybe a month of that would have been fine, but a year now was pushing it.

Getting up from their couch, as worn as the coffee table, he had to ignore the groan it gave as he did. The furniture being worn wasn’t any lack of money, just not really needing anything more that something serviceable that wouldn’t break either of their banks. Even if they both made decent money, Kyle’s a lot more decent than his own. Leaving his beer to sweat on the coffee table, a thing that he knew Kyle hated even if the thing was stained already, Stan followed after his friend and went to stand outside his room.

Amazing how little he could see of the guy when their rooms were right across from each other in their apartment. It wasn’t like they had conflicting schedules even if Kyle often came home late from the office. Raising his hand up Stan knocked on the door, waiting to hear the expected silence that would greet him. They hadn’t yet gotten past the no talking phase yet, it was so stupid.

“Kyle?” Stan called through the door after a moment, he really didn’t expect any more of an answer to that as he did to the knocking. “C’mon dude, it’s been like what a year? You can’t just hide in there forever, we live together.”

“Watch me.” Kyle responded, though Stan could barely make it out through the door.

“Dude what are you? Five? Open the door.” Stan knocked again a little harder, more insistent, not yet ready to try the door handle. “Kyle, don’t make me call your Mom.”

That did it, he could hear some movement coming from Kyle’s room in response to him for the first time in months. It was partially Stan’s fault that this was the first time something was happening between them, he hadn’t exactly tried to reach out. Had kind of just tried and then backed down whenever his attempts met with silence in his friends room. Just giving his friend more and more time than he needed until it hit this point where it was too much. In hindsight, he should have pulled the Mom card a long time ago, would have ended this stupid thing ages ago.

Waiting patiently outside of the door Stan shifted, leaning a hand against the doorframe, trying to put on a relaxed air that he definitely didn’t feel. He was on edge, for the first time he felt like he might get to have a real, meaningful conversation like the adults they were about the whole mess. Part of the reason he took up leaning on the door was to try and keep from looking like he was cornering Kyle. That might just piss him off and he really didn’t feel like their first go at this ending in a fight. He just wanted to have his friend back.

When the door opened Stan put on his calmest smile despite the little glare he was earning himself from his friend. Taking a deep breath through his nose he prepared himself for Kyle to speak, he knew he was going to snap or something.

“What?” There it was, short and demanding, just like Stan had expected.

“You know what Kyle, you can’t keep hiding in there from me, we live together.” Stan said, making sure not to let his language slip into the familiar comfort of cursing. He was trying to avoid a fight, not come off as too aggressive. “I’m not saying you need to just forget, but I am.”

“There’s nothing to forget.”

“Like hell there isn’t, you’ve been making sure I never see you even though we live under the same roof. Obviously you haven’t gotten over anything.”

“Maybe I just-“

“Maybe you just what?” Stan cut him off, this wasn’t a fight, he had to remind himself of that. “Kyle, I’m not telling you to stop this whole avoiding me thing just yet, just that maybe it’s time for you to get past the whole why part of you avoiding me.”

There was silence between them as Kyle clearly thought over what he said, it wasn’t like he was too dumb to understand, he was just up his own ass over this whole thing. Clearly he knew it by the way his shoulders sagged a little in defeat and Stan had to avoid fist pumping in victory. It was like watching Kyle admit he was being a dumbass about this whole thing.

“This whole thing is stupid, isn’t it? Me avoiding you just because you broke up with me when we still live together.” As Kyle said this it was clear on his face that even he thought this whole thing was dumb. He could have just moved out and made the avoiding part less painful for them both.

The door opened further and Kyle moved back, letting Stan in. As far as seating went there wasn’t much, so Stan took the bed when Kyle wheeled out his desk chair. He looked ready to fall out of it when he tried to sit in it backwards, this desk chair was clearly not made for that, the back was almost too high.

“So what do you suggest, because I’m still not over having you dump me after being together for like fourteen years?” Kyle asked, genuinely willing to listen to whatever he had come to say. Maybe he should have tried this like six months ago instead of letting this drag on.

“I was talking to Wendy about it and-“

“Dude.”

“Right, sorry.” Stan gave an apologetic smile before continuing, Wendy wasn’t a topic to be discussed. “Anyway, I was asking around for advice and _someone_ told me I should have you try online dating.”

“Online dating? Really Stan?”

“Wasn’t my idea, but it can’t hurt. Worst that could happen is you get a few bad dates, but it gets you out of the apartment with people that aren’t me or your colleagues.” Stan just about patted himself on the back for that one, even if those weren’t entirely his words, Wendy had kind of nailed in the basics.

When the skeptical look crossed Kyle’s face, he was also glad that Wendy had taken care of all the work for him. Pulling his phone out of his back pocket he loaded up the app she had made him get and handed it over, already logged into the page she made for Kyle with a picture Stan had supplied himself from when they were dating. It was a nice picture, not too old as well. Bit more honest than some of the pictures he had heard people using on these things.

As Kyle looked over the profile they had made for him Stan decided to scoot back on the bed and let him soak it in. Wendy had done a really good job, at least in his opinion, short and simple little about. In his opinion the picture was the real selling point though, yeah it was cool to read about Kyle’s hobby and fancy lawyer job but none of that mattered if you didn’t like how someone looked. The profile seemed to be acceptable with the way Kyle sighed in defeat and started to mess around with the app, figuring it out. Victory.

“I don’t know about this, are you sure I should trust my luck to strangers on a dating site? I mean, how am I supposed to know that we could even get along in person? How do I know they’re not lying or like some serial killer?” Kyle nitpicked as expected.

“Well, I think you could handle any serial killers, you’re not some defenseless damsel in need of saving. Just give it a month dude and try to see if you can snag a few dates.”

That’s all he could ask, and maybe it was selfish but he hoped that going back on the dating scene meant Kyle would start hanging out with him again. Definitely a selfish want but he could hardly help it with how empty and quiet the apartment was without Kyle. The same Kyle who, despite that sigh of defeat, was still spending his time scrutinizing the entire app he was given.

“Online dating, really Stan? Who does that?” The way Kyle asked it was less of a ‘who does that’ and more of a ‘do you think I’m that hopeless?’.

“You haven’t even tried it out, how do you know it isn’t for you?”

“It’s online dating.”

“So?”

“Stan, me, dating some stranger I found on some app?”

“Just give it a month, _please_.” Stan stressed, practically begging Kyle to give it that at least that much. “One month. C’mon dude, you deserve this.”

“I deserve this?” Wrong words, Kyle’s forehead creased as he lowered a glare at him.

“No not like that, I meant, like, you deserve someone who will treat you good. Dates can be fun.”

“So someone who won’t ditch me the moment his ex comes back after spending fourteen years together. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

Ouch. “I deserved that.”

“Yeah, yeah you did.” Kyle said with a smile that encouraged Stan to think that all he needed to do was just stop being such a pussy and reach out. He should have done it a long time ago.

Picking himself up from where he leaned up against the wall Kyle’s bed was pressed against Stan went to hover over his friend, looking over the little dating app with him. The picture was perfect, Wendy’s simple and straight forward little about fit in with the image. He wasn’t too old and the profile was honest about it, a young 27. Wendy had told him it was better to just be honest, saved time from having to backpedal and make himself out to be a douche on date one.

“Quit staring at yourself and find yourself a man already dude, there’s plenty of eligible bachelors.” And non-eligible bachelors looking to have an affair like the assholes they were, but he would never say that out loud. They would have to work to avoid the douchebags and fakes like that. Double team to find the perfect dates for Kyle.

Reaching over his friend’s shoulder Stan backed away from Kyle’s profile and decided it was time to get to work showing him all those hopefully truthfully eligible bachelors he was talking about. They had known each other long enough that he immediately knew the first few options it presented them were all going to be big fat a big fat no. The third one he paused on for Kyle’s input. “How about him, he looks nice, says he’s a teacher too, so he’s probably decently educated.”

“Him? Really?”

“Why not, he looks nice. Just look at that smile, c’mon, don’t tell me you wouldn’t mind giving it a shot.” Stan pressed unnecessarily as he swiped right for Kyle without getting the ok for it. With the first swipe already out of the way he watched his friend take a little initiative in looking through potential matches.

This was going to be a great idea, they were hanging out now and Kyle might find someone to make him happy. On one condition.

“I have to approve of him.”

“What are you my Mom?”

“Oh God no.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has actually been pretty much done since the day after I posted the first chapter but I spent forever passing it to be read over and then re-read it and fixed up some stuff. Thanks to everyone who left kudos!

The resounding sound of a palm striking skin was becoming too common for Butters now, it didn’t even make much sense to him why it would be happening. Even he knew that going out with Kenny and letting him get into your pants was a one-way ticket to getting dropped the next day with an indifference completely contrary to however sweet the day or night before was.

He sometimes wished he never tried to be a good friend and point Kenny towards the silly dating app on his phone that was getting him all these slaps and accusations. All the nice ladies and gentleman who came in thinking this might be more than just someone to blow of steam with. That Kenny might actually turn out to be a nice guy and not all the mean things the lady who was storming away from their table at Tweek Bros. had said he was.

Kenny really was some of the things she said he was, he knew him much better than she did and couldn’t argue with all that even he knew. Kenny was still a good guy underneath all those things though. At least that was what Butters liked to think.

“I think she’s just full of it, you know uh- like you’re actually a really swell guy. You know that, right Kenny? You’d be a real catch if you we’re seriously into her.” Butters spoke with as much confidence in his friend as he could, but it was slowly waning as more times he watched Kenny screw it up with someone who had a little hope in meeting him. Sometimes the thought tried to weasel in that maybe, just maybe, Kenny really was as mean as they said.

He knew that wasn’t right, but it still nagged at him at times.

Butters watched as his friend leaned back in his chair and gingerly poked at the red mark on his face from where he had been slapped, hissing a little at the slight sting still making his skin tingle when he wasn’t prodding it. It never bothered him that much, that Kenny invited scenes like this to happen, neither did all the attention from people around them whenever it happened in a public place like this. It wasn’t like he was a stranger to it anymore, unlike the lady who just walked off.

South Park was just too small of a town for anyone who lived there to not expect a good slap from someone who had expected a relationship out of a date with Kenny McCormick. Sometimes it was really unwarranted though, Butters had to always remind himself of that fact. Some people were just mad that Kenny wasn’t as nice as the picture Butters helped him take. Some people just saw what Eric still liked to call ‘poor white trash’ when they met and then it was like Kenny wasn’t as much of a person as everyone else.

None of them ever saw that the real thing was a guy working his ass off to support his family that didn’t have much money to their name and everyone knew why, not just a stereotype. Even if he fit it a lot of the time.

The problem was that all of the dates were from out of town, because all the ones from in town weren’t dates when it came to Kenny. Not that any of the girls and guys weren’t nice and all, but he knew that Kenny didn’t want anyone from South Park. Anyone he got from South Park went in with a one and done agreement readily. They all knew him and he knew them. Nothing exciting about that.

No, it had nothing to do with exciting. There was something else.

Something else was keeping Kenny from being serious about all this and continuing on the whole empty life of giving and giving without getting anything.

Butters wished he would take the whole online dating thing a little more seriously.

“Damn that one stung, tell me how bad is it, any damage to the assets? What am I workin’ with here Butters?” Kenny asked as he pulled his hand away from his face and fished out his phone to turn on the front facing camera to get a look despite having asked how it looked.

“Oh, well uh… it’s really red. Kinda like Eric’s jacket. I don’t think you’ll get a bruise this time.” Butters answered as he watched his friend prod the red mark on his cheek some more which was no worse than Butters had said.

It could have been a lot worse. Butters was never sure if it was the dates or Kenny’s family but he had seen him come to their little coffee meetups with bruises and cuts in the past. He didn’t like seeing his friend looking roughed up like that, he didn’t like it at all.

Looking down at the cup of coffee in front of him Butters wrapped his hands around it and started to turn it to keep from having to make eye contact. “You ever think you shouldn’t be leading on all those nice people? They always look so hopeful whenever I see you out, and you’re… well you’re kinda lying to them about what they’re getting’ with you. You said you would try, didn’t you?”

And there it was, out in the open, his biggest issue with Kenny and how he was using the app that Butters had showed him with all the best intentions. He should have known how it would get used, not that he could really make Kenny do otherwise. Only Kenny could decide what Kenny would do in the end. Carefully tearing his eyes from his coffee Butters looked up and found blue eyes staring straight at him.

There was nothing accusatory or taken back in Kenny’s eyes, in fact he couldn’t really tell what was going on in his friends mind from his eyes alone. Sometimes Kenny could be an open book, and then there were the times like this. Not meaning to Butters ended up jumping a little when Kenny slumped back into his chair and dropped his phone onto the table in front of him making him feel a little like the jittery barista they had grown up with. A hand came up and roughed up greasy blonde hair, the sun making the shine of it really noticeable.

He always tried to ignore it, Kenny couldn’t help being a lot less hygienic than everyone else. Water and all of that cost money.

While it wasn’t entirely a defeated look that he saw slip through the entirely unreadable one that had been on his friend’s face, there was some inkling of it in his eyes. Maybe, Butters hoped, he remembered why he even agreed to letting him put the app on the phone in first place.

“It’s not lyin’ if I never said it was serious, everyone just assumes. They’re the ones having sex on the first date, kinda their fault if it hits so hard.”

“But do you tell them it’s just the one time?”

Kenny seemed to sink a bit in his chair. “…No.”

“That’s your problem. See you just meet up and they think that they might have all these wonderful dates, because you’re really nice, and then you just use them.” Butters all but lectured as he tried to help his friend really understand he deserved that and all the other times he had been slapped. Not any of the awful things though, the things that left marks. Kenny never deserved any of the bruises or the cuts, no one did.

“Bein’ serious just doesn’t seem right to me, shit, look at me. Who would want to be serious about this? I’m doin’ everyone a favor by just bein’ the slut they expect. That way poor Kenny McCormick doesn’t drag anyone else into the welfare trap of poverty” Kenny said.

That earned him a hard look from Butters, which he almost never got from him, Butters didn’t get stern too often unless he was absolutely serious.

“Kenny you’re not doing anyone favors. Why, you deserve to be happy and have what everyone else does. That’s why we got you that app in the first place! So you could have someone to make you smile because love is just… real neat.”

“That’s why _you_ got it for me, I don’t have ideas about happiness and love.” Kenny flinched when that just earned him more stern looks. “Alright, Jesus, I get it. Be serious about it.”

“Thank you!”

“Can I still use it to get laid?”

“Kenny…”

“Can’t hurt to ask.”

With that Kenny sat back up and downed the rest of his coffee, inhaling sharply when it burned his throat going down. Too hot to chug even after sitting for as long as it had, the hell, Tweek must have decided lava was on the menu. Watching his friend get up from his chair Butters almost reminded Kenny not to forget his phone before his friend snagged it up and shoved it into the pocket of his worn black hoodie. Time for him to get back to work.

“Promise me you’ll try to find a real date?”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise. See you Tuesday?” Kenny said trying to divert the conversation from his romantic endeavors, or serious lack thereof.

“Tuesday.” Butters agreed with a little wave as Kenny took off to get back to work on time.

He knew Kenny would keep his promise, or he hoped. He hoped because Kenny would be a lot happier without constantly being slapped for being a real jerk.


End file.
